Oops, I acted immaturely (grimace face)
He made me mad! He didn’t pay attention to me! He didn’t do what I wanted him to do!
When our significant other doesn’t meet our expectations, we get upset and go into a defensive/protective mode.
The problem is we then end up saying or doing something that is often experienced as immature or bad to the other person.
Let’s break this down:
1)We all have a wounded part of us that comes out of our childhood.
2)Usually, there are set limited beliefs that go with that wounded part (I’m not good enough, I’m not loveable, etc.)
3)When someone in our life does or doesn’t do something we think they should that affects us then this wounded part is triggered, and we act defensively in ways to protect ourselves.
4) We act immature but really, we are just hurt (wounded) and we forget our better selves.
Here is what you can do about it:
– First, you have to slow down and recognize you are upset. Most of the time we just react to the upset without thinking. Practice slowing down. Excuse yourself to the bathroom, do some deep breaths.
– Then figure out the negative thoughts about the other person that connect with your core wound/ limited belief.
For example, His action was that he came home late from work and he didn’t let you know he’d be home 3 hours late. It triggered your wound of not feeling cared for. Your protective action is to be silent and cold to him.
-Once you are in the bathroom you calm yourself down, then you make the connection to the “I’m not cared for” wound which reminds you of the times your dad came home late after having drinks after work and not paying attention to you or what was going on in your life.
-The last step is to use an effective “I statement” with your husband.
“I felt upset, hurt, and rejected (actual feelings)
when you came home 3 hours late from work without texting to let me know (only facts)
because it seems I’m not coming to your mind which makes me feel not cared for, and it reminds me of the times my dad came home late drunk and didn’t think about me (your perspective)
what I need from you is to text me and let me know you will be coming home late so that I know you are thinking of me. (specific request).
You can move out of your protective, wounded state (immature behavior) and into your better self, which will make you feel happier within yourself and get more of what you want in your relationships.
What can you do to make the situation better?
Give yourself permission to not be perfect and remember you have a wounded part of you. And you have a higher self to aim towards.
If it’s your partner who is acting immature checkout part 1 of this article for a step by step of how to respond.