Recently I spoke with two wives and each said to me “My husband is acting immature!” They went on to describe the situation in which they experienced their husband acting in an immature manner.
First of all, I want to say kudos to both of them because instead of saying something unkind to their husband and calling them immature they both knew that would do more damage to their relationship, so they spoke to me instead.
To help these women, as well as you, I want to explain why your husband (actually all of us) at times acts in immature/bad ways.
Each one of us, when our wants or expectations aren’t met by others this automatically triggers our defensiveness. In these situations, our core woundedness from out childhood is often triggered. Such as our thoughts of “I’m not important,” I’m not good enough,” I’m not included,” I’m not loveable,” etc.
Not to go into great depth but because we all live in an imperfect world and most of our parents/primary caregivers did the best they could, but they still made mistakes and were not perfect. As children, we read into their imperfect behaviors as meaning something about us. Therefore, our core wounds/needs get created.
We then take those beliefs into our adult relationships. Especially with our significant other. When that wound is triggered we react from what I call our “wounded child.” We end up saying or doing something from this place which is experienced as immature to others.
Here are some examples of words or behaviors:
“You always do what you want and never include what I want.”
“I never get my way.”
Pout and make sighing noises
Give nasty looks
“You don’t care about me.”
“I guess I’m not that important to you.”
Go silent and sulk
So now you know why your husband (and sometimes you act immature) what can make all the difference is how you respond to it.
Here’s what most of us normally do:
Because the behavior of the other person often feels critical, controlling or manipulative these behaviors or words trigger our defensiveness. In cases where there were critical words directed at us, we then throw critical words back and a fight ensues. But in the case of the behaviors, body language, and facial expression it creates a feeling of powerlessness in us and in order to regain our power in the face of their behaviors we then rebel or act out of spite. We say to ourselves” If you are going to act that way then I’m going to do this!” The this is usually ignoring them, do the exact behavior that is bothering them, etc. The problem is this reaction is actually coming from our “wounded child” (and in reality, is immature too). Ouch!
What can you do to make the situation better?
Remind yourself they are coming from a wounded place and gently call them back to their better/higher self, which is the person you fell in love with in the first place.
For example, If your husband is upset that you have been out the last three nights at volunteer activities and when you come home he’s clearly mad slamming doors, giving you the silent treatment and giving dirty looks and you know his core wound is feeling unimportant …
Then you could say
“I know that you know you are the most important person in the world to me that’s why I married you. One of the things I’ve always loved about you is how you love and support the part of me that likes helping other people. Since I’ve been gone so much this week what if we plan a special time together Saturday night?”
To break this down:
- I called him to remember the truth “You know you are the most important person…”
- I called him to the better part of him who loves and supports me “one of the things I’ve always loved…”
- I addressed his need to “plan a special time..”
Got it? And the nice thing is when we can do this for each other we are helping each other remember and behave from our higher self. And we all need to be reminded of that from time to time.
What if it is you struggling with your immature part? Come back next week for part 2.