The Blame Game and 5 Tips to Manage Those Nasty “You…” Statements
“YOU ruined everything!” “You’re stupid!” “You can’t do anything right.”
Wow!!! How well do you do when these kind of “You” statements start flying your direction? Nasty “You” statements are some of the toughest interactions to handle.
In these situations do you find yourself becoming defensive, losing sight of who you really are or how you really want to respond and often find yourself stepping into the fight, or if it’s with someone you can’t argue with (your boss?) you just walk away seething? Well, join the crowd! That is what happens to most of us.
In this “Hot Tip Training” video (meaning get your paper and pencil ready) I explain exactly what happens to us in those moments, give you 5 tips so you can manage those situations and create the outcomes you desire, and give a few extra tricks to boost you along the way.
Here’s the video to learn your 5 tips, or continue reading below.
Here are the three main reasons these situations become so difficult for us:
1) We believe what the person said is true. They use the word “you” so a part of us believes it must be true.
The Key to this issue is that we end up forgetting who we really are.
2) We end up feeling like we did when we were children and our parents accused us of something. So we end up getting small. The Key to this response is that we give away our power.
3) Once one and two have occurred we now have all this yucky stuff inside of us and we need to get it out. Our brain and body has gone into a defensive mode and our brain chemistry has kicked in.
The Key at this point is that we have succumbed to our brain chemistry.
Now that you understand the why behind what makes it so difficult we can go into the 5 tips to be able to manage these situations.
In order to make these tips effective in your life you will need to practice them and remember just taking imperfect steps to start out is good enough.
Step 1
The very first thought in your mind HAS to be “It is About Them.”
As human beings we all lash out with “you” statements at times when we feel hurt or emotional pain of some sort. So remember there is an underlying need or pain for the person making the accusing statement.
Key to Remember for Step 1: It is About Them
Step 2
Utilize your imagination. In order to help you NOT take their statement in you need to create an image in your head that you can readily call upon to bounce their statement off of you. Some image that will work for you. For example, a bullet proof vest, bullet proof glass in front of you, A bubble around you, etc. Do not let the statement come inside of you.
Key to Remember for Step 2: Bounce it Off
Step 1 and Step 2 are the foundation in order to move on and do the rest of the steps. You must practice and really get these two steps down.
Step 3
Listen and ask questions. If this accusing statement is really about the hurt, pain or need of the other person the best thing you can do is to ask questions to really understand what is going on for them. Some example questions to ask include: “What’s going on for you? or “Tell me more, I really want to understand.”
Key to Remember for Step 3: Stay Curious
Warning!!
When you first ask questions they may still be upset so they may throw a few more accusations your way. So, Rinse and Repeat! Meaning go back and do Step 1 and Step 2.
A couple of Don’t Tips Here: don’t put your interpretations on what they have said just stay curious, and don’t come back with what they say with your own accusatory “You” statements (unless you plan on jumping into the fight).
Step 4
See things from their perspective. Since you are in the curious place from step #3 you can now step out of your perspective and try to understand what is going on for them. Where are they coming from? Understand their pain or hurt.
Key to Remember for Step 4: See Them Clearly
Step 5
Take responsibility for your stuff. In most cases there are two sides to things and there is some truth to the other person’s side. So if there is something you did or didn’t do, or something you could have done differently or better. Acknowledge it and take responsibility, and apologize where appropriate.
Key to Remember for Step 5: Take Responsibility
Because these situations are so difficult here are a few bonus tricks to help you out.
Bonus #1: Take a time out. Do what you can to get away so you can think more clearly. Even excuse yourself to the bathroom. On your time out do Step 1 remember it is about them,and Step 2 bounce it off and you can even begin to think about Step 4 what might be their perspective.
Bonus #2: Take time to think about the end result that you would like. This can help guide you through the process.
Bonus #3: Observe yourself from the outside. It is kind of like having a dialogue with yourself about the dialogue you are having with the person. Being outside of yourself will help you be able to evaluate and monitor the situation better.
Bottom line: Remember the foundation steps are Step 1 It’s About Them and Step 2 Bounce It Off. Rinse and Repeat these steps as many times as you need to in a difficult situation. And practice, practice, practice. It is the only way to get better at this process so that you can manage these situation and ultimately get the results you desire and have more successes in all your relationships.
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